I don't often do personal posts but I have to do one today. And it's going to be a sad one. If you're not a fan of blubbering women then you should probably look away now. I'm pretty sure this post is for my own benefit rather than anybody elses but then, hey, it is my blog after all.
For those of you who have followed my blog for a while you will know that my husband was very poorly last year. In fact he spent most of last year in hospital. Tim suffered from very severe Crohn's Disease that had left him malnourished and weak. Despite the fact that he had managed to stay out of hospital so far this year, his condition never really improved and he had a very poor quality of life. He was too weak to go out anywhere and to do much for himself, and he was constantly in pain.
Last weekend he started getting short of breath and we were told that he had a slight chest infection and he was put on antibiotics. But he continued to get worse until he was taken into hospital on Wednesday. He was very dehydrated and there were a lot of other things wrong with him, but he initially responded well to the treatments he was being given.
But then yesterday afternoon, during visiting hours so I was there with him, he deteriorated rapidly. He couldn't breath and he had to be sedated and put on a ventilator - not the first time I've seen this happen but it's still not a nice experience. And we were told that all the problems he was having was because his infection had entered his blood and he was very badly septic. Me and his family were told that the chances were that he was too weak to fight this kind of serious illness.
Tim managed to hold on until 9.15 this morning when he peacefully passed away whilst still sedated. The ventilator wasn't able to keep up his oxygen levels despite giving maximum support and his blood pressure was still dropping to dangerous levels even though he was being given three different medications to tackle this.
He was only 35 years old. He lived such a short and difficult life, but he was such a good man. He was always thinking of others and he had such a kind heart. He was my soul mate and now he's gone. I have to try and find a way to carry on life without him and it's going to be difficult. But I know I have to do it for our two boys. Tim is leaving behind two beautiful sons who are still so young - the eldest will be five next month and our youngest has just turned two. I have to stay strong for them. And I only turned 30 two weeks ago and now I'm a widow. It just all seems so surreal.
I don't know when I will be coming back to blogging but I know I will. There will come a time when I will need to keep busy and fill every single second with activity just to get through each day. But that time is not now. I need time to grieve and to help my boys through this.
I know that Tim is in a better place now and that he isn't in pain and suffering any more, and I hope that one day that will give me comfort. But right now the pain I feel is too raw for that.
I did consider finding a photo of Tim to put in this post but looking through all our photos on the computer to pick one out just seemed too painful so this will have to do for now.
Timothy Robert Goldsmith
15th December 1976 - 9th June 2012
You'll always be in our hearts and our thoughts