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Saturday, 9 June 2012

Taking a Leave of Absence Due to Incurable Heartache


Hi everybody,

I don't often do personal posts but I have to do one today. And it's going to be a sad one. If you're not a fan of blubbering women then you should probably look away now. I'm pretty sure this post is for my own benefit rather than anybody elses but then, hey, it is my blog after all.

For those of you who have followed my blog for a while you will know that my husband was very poorly last year. In fact he spent most of last year in hospital. Tim suffered from very severe Crohn's Disease that had left him malnourished and weak. Despite the fact that he had managed to stay out of hospital so far this year, his condition never really improved and he had a very poor quality of life. He was too weak to go out anywhere and to do much for himself, and he was constantly in pain.

Last weekend he started getting short of breath and we were told that he had a slight chest infection and he was put on antibiotics. But he continued to get worse until he was taken into hospital on Wednesday. He was very dehydrated and there were a lot of other things wrong with him, but he initially responded well to the treatments he was being given.

But then yesterday afternoon, during visiting hours so I was there with him, he deteriorated rapidly. He couldn't breath and he had to be sedated and put on a ventilator - not the first time I've seen this happen but it's still not a nice experience. And we were told that all the problems he was having was because his infection had entered his blood and he was very badly septic. Me and his family were told that the chances were that he was too weak to fight this kind of serious illness.

Tim managed to hold on until 9.15 this morning when he peacefully passed away whilst still sedated. The ventilator wasn't able to keep up his oxygen levels despite giving maximum support and his blood pressure was still dropping to dangerous levels even though he was being given three different medications to tackle this.

He was only 35 years old. He lived such a short and difficult life, but he was such a good man. He was always thinking of others and he had such a kind heart. He was my soul mate and now he's gone. I have to try and find a way to carry on life without him and it's going to be difficult. But I know I have to do it for our two boys. Tim is leaving behind two beautiful sons who are still so young - the eldest will be five next month and our youngest has just turned two. I have to stay strong for them. And I only turned 30 two weeks ago and now I'm a widow. It just all seems so surreal.

I don't know when I will be coming back to blogging but I know I will. There will come a time when I will need to keep busy and fill every single second with activity just to get through each day. But that time is not now. I need time to grieve and to help my boys through this.

I know that Tim is in a better place now and that he isn't in pain and suffering any more, and I hope that one day that will give me comfort. But right now the pain I feel is too raw for that.

I did consider finding a photo of Tim to put in this post but looking through all our photos on the computer to pick one out just seemed too painful so this will have to do for now.


Timothy Robert Goldsmith

15th December 1976 - 9th June 2012

You'll always be in our hearts and our thoughts

28 comments:

Crystal said...

Chrissie,

There is nothing I can really say that will take away all the pain you are feeling at the moment. As I am writing this I am evening grieving with you. I would be lost without my husband. I am hoping you have loving family that can be there for you through all this.

Just remember that you are in my thoughts close to my heart right now and if you ever need to talk I am here for you.

A.J. Locke said...

I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you are going through, but all the best to you.

Amy Gregory said...

Chrissie,
You know already how much I admire your strength and grace...I'll be here for you..xxoo always
A

Liv said...

I'll light a candle for time at church tonight, and will be keeping you all in mind. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jane | @janelebak said...

**hugs** I'm so sorry for your loss. :-( May perpetual light shine upon him, and may you find comfort and peace during the days ahead.

Alison Stone said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I will keep you and your young children in my prayers. Wishing you find peace.

Leanna (Daisy Chain Book Reviews) said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Chrissie.

You and Tim are in my thoughts tonight. x

Jenny said...

Oh, Chrissie, I'm so sorry. I know my sympathy doesn't help but you have it anyway. "Big Hugs*

Jessi said...

Chrisse,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I realize people say that a lot but I truly mean it. You will be missed in the blogging world, and we are grieving with you.

God Bless,

Jessi

kimba88 said...

I am deeply saddened by your loss. My father suffers from Crohn's Disease and recently had part of his bowel removed, we now think my son has it..so i understand the disease. My thoughts are with you and your family. When you are ready..we will be here. Take care of yourself.

Loni Flowers said...

I'm so deeply sadden by your loss Chrissy. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Tanya Patrice said...

I don't even know what to say here but my prayers are with you and your family.

June M. said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is always hard, but to lose someone so young is even worse. Sending well wishes and prayers to you & your family.

Gayle Hayes said...

Chrissie,
Amy Gregory tweeted your link, and I was unprepared for and very touched by your tribute to Timothy. He was fortunate to have a strong and loving helpmate, and you are fortunate to have your boys to keep you strong and able to love. All of you are in my prayers.

Melissas Eclectic Bookshelf said...

I have no words to express how sorry I am for the loss you and your precious boys have suffered. My thought and prayers are with you and your family. *hugs*

Elle Amberley said...

I'm so sorry to hear that, my heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you're surrounded by love and support. Sending you big hugs and much love Xx

Amber Garcia said...

I am so sorry to hear this, My heart, prayer, and thoughts go out to you and your family in this time of need. I understand all too well where you are coming from I am 28 years old and was diagnosed 3 years ago with chrons disease and all the treatments are not doing their job and because of the chrons disease I have bleeding ulcers, arthritis through out my body, and anemia. Its really rough but I have 2 daughters ages 12 and 7 so I try to do everything possible so that I can enjoy those precious moments with them. Im glad you shared your story with us even if its a sad outcome.
Sorry again
Amber Garcia

Emily Guido said...

I am so sorry and very sad to hear of this! I will keep you and your family in my prayers! I have been touched in my family with this disease and I'm just terribly sorry for your loss. God Bless you and yours, Emily Guido

Melliane said...

I'm so sorry for your loss... I can't even imagine how it is for you, but my thoughts are with you. Take care.

Cherry said...

I'm so sorry for your loss!! My thoughts are with you and your family... Please take care!!

Jackie Burris said...

Chrissie you are going to prove yourself correct about filling every spare moment, in the meantime sweetie our prayers are with you and your beautiful little boys! Take care of your babies and yourself and the blog will not go anywhere.

sarah@catchingbooks said...

Chrissie, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please take care!

Tobi Helton said...

I'm so sorry! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. <3 Tobi

Annette said...

You'll be in my thoughts. I know words can't really help... We'll be here when you are ready...

Heidi’sbooks said...

I'm so sorry to hear the terrible news. My late husband died at age 37 of leukemia, I was 33. While I don't know what you are going through, I know a little piece of the pain. Please come back after you are able to look through the pics and post some for us.

Shelagh said...

Chrissie,

You and your boys are in my thoughts. I hope that you can find some peace in knowing that Tim isn't struggling anymore. Hold him close in your heart as we hold you close to ours.

You know where to find me.

Shruti said...

Hi, I recently started following your blog .. May God give you strength and perseverance to go through this pain.

Shruti said...

Hi, I recently started following your blog .. May God give you strength and perseverance to go through this pain.

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